I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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