Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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