Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
