Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
