idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
