I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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