Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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