They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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