o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
