I can text with my tongue
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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