Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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