My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
