I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
