Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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