there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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