The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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