Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
