And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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