Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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