Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
