A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
