ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
