Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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