yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
