it was like eating out sand paper
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
