a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
