Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
