I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
