FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
