Your dad touched me again.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
