Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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