I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
