It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
