paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have aggressive nipples.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
