Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's rum buckets o'clock
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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