I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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