Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
