This is not my ceiling
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize