he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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