his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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