im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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