i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We're too hungover to prance.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
