tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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