Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
