my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
