Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
