I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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