I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
