I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
