i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Everything about him screamed your future.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
