I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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