win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
